When I consider deeply the Vow of Amida, which arose from five kalpas of profound thought, I realize that it was entirely for the sake of myself alone! Then how I am filled with gratitude for the Primal Vow, in which Amida resolved to save me, though I am burdened with such heavy karma.

Shinran Shōnin (1173-1263)
Quoted in A Record in Lament of Divergences, Collected Works of Shinran, Vol. 1, page 679 

When I was studying and training to become a Buddhist priest and resident minister, I was given the wonderful opportunity to visit a woman in a nursing home who was most comfortable speaking in Japanese, and our conversation went something like this (translated):

“Hello, Mrs. N, how do you do? My name is Kerry.”

“Thank you, thank you for coming! NamoAmidaButsu!”

“It’s my pleasure. How are you feeling today?”

“There’s too much time, thank you! NamoAmidaButsu!”

I was puzzled by this response but kept my mouth shut and just listened, as I was taught by my mentor, Rev. Dr. Bert Sumikawa. Speaking in her first language, Mrs. N was very happy to talk story about life in a nursing home, how everyone was so nice to her, and how grateful she was for being there. When the nurse came to take her to physical therapy, Mrs. N smiled at me and said,

“Thank you for coming, thank you! NamoAmidaButsu!”

“You’re welcome, Mrs. N, I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“Thank you, thank you! NamoAmidaButsu! Ah, there’s too much time.”

The next morning, I went back to visit her, hoping to find out what she meant by “There’s too much time.” I signed in at the front desk and went to her room but…there was only an empty bed.

The duty nurse informed me that Mrs. N was taken to the hospital in the middle of the night, and had passed in the early morning hours. Returning home, I pondered what this encounter meant, what Mrs. N was telling me when she said, “There’s too much time!” 

Was she literally telling me that, having reached the end of her life, she was bored because she had nothing to do, no places to go, no one to see? Then, in single thought-moment, I realized she was telling me to wake up to the preciousness of this moment of this day of an unrepeatable life, to stop wasting time, to receive the faith of “shinjin”—the heart-mind of true entrusting which comes to us through the incomprehensible power of Amida’s Great Compassionate Vow. NamoAmidaButsu!

The past few months have been unusually busy because end-of-life religious rites and rituals can only be done by an ordained priest. The “winds of impermanence” are relentless, and even understanding the Truth of Impermanence, the inevitable passing from this world comes as a shock, a sad moment, leaving a sense of loss, after days, weeks, and months of visitation. 

And yet, life goes on, just as it is. Meetings, meetings, meetings, writing, speaking, writing, speaking, travel to, travel from, visitors to the temple, and external commitments means, “there’s not enough time!”

And yet, in the Infinite Light of Wisdom, I see, beneath the black robes of a Buddhist priest, I remain self-centered, arrogant, and irritable! I remain karma’s fool, just as I am. Shakyamuni Buddha taught my stubborn attachment to ME (My Ego) is the cause of unhappiness when life doesn’t go the way I want. Thus, many Buddhist paths seek to break free of the Ego-Self through renunciation of the world, rigorous discipline, intensive meditation, chanting, and constant study.

Shinran taught that for bombu —ordinary human beings filled with blindly self-centered desires and hopelessly attached to the fascinations of this evanescent world—the only path to Enlightenment is Namo Amida Butsu, the Nembutsu, single-heartedly entrusting in Amida’s Compassionate Vow, receiving the gift of shinjin, thus settling our Birth into the Pure Land. In Shinran’s words, Amida created the path of Nembutsu specifically for ME (My Ego) because I lack the dedication, discipline, and endurance to single-heartedly pursue Buddhist practice, even when given “too much time.”

The Infinite Light of Wisdom reveals that even given everything I ever wanted, everything I ever needed, I still love to bitch and moan about causes and conditions beyond my control, which leads to the realization: I am wasting time.

Mahalo, Mrs. N, for taking the final moments of your life to teach me that we have all been given the rare and wonderful gift of “too much time”—in this moment of this day of an unrepeatable life. In my head, Mrs. N smiles and says, “So what are you going to do today?”

Continue to delude myself by believing reality should be as I want it to be? Or awaken to reality-as-it-is, and see myself, just as I am?

And, in that moment of true self awareness, realize I am saved by Amida’s Compassion, that my birth in the Pure Land is assured, that I will, just as I am, become a Buddha and return in Oneness with Amida Buddha—precisely because I am the bombu, the foolish, ordinary, self-centered human being Amida vows to save. NamoAmidaButsu!

Mahalo,

  Rev. Kerry